


It’s like drowning, except everyone around you is breathing

by LJH



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Heartache, Home, M/M, Short, Thoughts of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-12 21:45:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18455210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJH/pseuds/LJH
Summary: So... this is my first at sharing, so bear with me if I didn’t tag correctly.Thanks to Angie and Erin for the love and eyeballs.





	It’s like drowning, except everyone around you is breathing

Standing on the edge of this cliff is the best Alec Lightwood has felt in weeks. As the Head of the New York Institute, he has to appear stoic and it can be exhausting. Jace, Isabelle, Max and Maryse are behind him, lounging and laughing on a patchwork of blankets laid out on the grass. A Sunday afternoon get together, a brief reprieve from aiding the Los Angeles Institute to enjoy the sun. To them, Alec is just taking in the view. 

A slight breeze shifts against his face, the clear day shining, reflecting in his hazel eyes. The vast ocean before him ending in devastating waves crashing into the sharp rocky beach. A beach far below the edge of his shoes. Selfishly he allows himself a few moments to wonder how it would feel to step off the edge. He contemplates the odds, and is fairly sure he would not survive the drop. Even if he did, by the time anyone could reach him via the long angled trail down to the beach, an Iratze rune would be useless. There is no warlock here to portal them in an instant. There is no warlock in his life right now, which is the problem. He thinks the ocean could quench this dry and brittle feeling within him, the rocks obliterating the sharp emotions jabbing him from the inside out.  
He would be free. His mind would be quiet. He would not feel this pain any longer. 

Jaw tight, Alec exhales through his nose, the sound of Jace's laughter carried on the wind reminds him of the invisible bond tying them together. He would never do anything so painful to his parabatai like stepping off a cliff. He would never do that to any of them. In the end, he has responsibilities, duties, people need him. His need to protect them will always override any selfish thoughts. The thing is though, Alec is unconsolably depressed. 

Three weeks ago, his life fell apart. Three weeks ago, his heart was injured and since then has only withered and dried more and more each day. They say Shadowhunters only love once, fiercely. Which is probably why he feels like he is dead inside without Magnus. Magnus, High Warlock of Brooklyn, the love of his life and the most charming, beautiful, generous soul he has ever known. His eyes start to water just picturing Magnus in his mind. Alec sucks in a ragged breath and rolls his neck. He looks down at the crashing waves again, their violent ebb and flow distracting him, pulling him in. 

Coming on this little day trip was a mistake. He was only trying to appease the group. So they would not worry about him working day and night. So they would give him a break from their tense spines and sad glances. Alec knows they care, but knowing they are walking on eggshells just makes him feel worse. 

A particularly brightly colored butterfly flits by and thoughts of Magnus swirl up inside Alec. For a moment he feels the phantom brush of Magnus' fingers glide across his palm, the way they used to when Magnus would grasp his hand. His heartbeat takes a deep inward clench at the memory. Alec hisses with the sudden pain of it. Odd, he thinks. The pain is usually emotional, touching on physical but not quite to this level. He feels a bit light-headed, bordering on dizzy. 

He turns too quickly to walk back to the group and almost loses his balance. "Where are they?" he murmers out loud. He whips his head to the left, to the right, but they are nowhere in sight. The dizziness increases with his panic. Alec curses himself for panicking, but he feels no control over the emotion and starts to draw in large breaths. Heaving, he can't seem to fill his lungs. He thinks "if Magnus were here, he would know what to do" and that thought cracks his heart. His eyes immediately tear up and the loss of control makes him drop to his knees in frustration. Except in his panic, he had not noticed that he turned back towards the ocean. 

His stomach drops, his arms flail as his knees do not hit the ground. Eyes wide, he takes in the expanse of the air below him and topples foward. The fall is fast and terrifying. The sound of the waves become louder, the rocks speed towards him. He closes his eyes and only thinks one thought. Not of his family, nor his friends. Not of his duty or the many things yet to be achieved. Alec closes his eyes and whispers, "I love you Magnus. You are my everything." 

Knowing you are falling to your death and actually hitting the ground are two different things. Alec feels shocked by the feeling of smashing into the beach. A sharp intake of breath is broken from him and everything is black. And then alarmingly red. His eyes fly open to a glaring white light, and he is… he is in a bed? 

Magnus is holding his hand and Jace, Isabelle, Max and Maryse are in the room. They all look so real, he must be dead, dreaming. But Magnus is talking to him, his Magnus. His heart is filled with joy at the sight. Alec tries to make out his words, but they seem like drunken wooshes instead of words. He shakes his head and tries to hear Magnus again. This might be the last thing Alec ever hears, and he wants to know with all his being what Magnus has to say. The words slowly come into focus, "You are ....., you are .... darling." That makes no sense, so he tries again, just blankly staring at Magnus with all the concentration he can muster. Magnus must understand because he keeps repeating the same phrase. He hears "You are safe, you are back darling." 

Alec knows this must be some strange pain-death response. His body is coping with breaking and drowning. So he leans back and closes his eyes, waiting for this to pass and get death over with. But something cold and wet jabs him in the stomach and he squeals. "By the Angel!" he yells and levels his eyes at Jace, who is smirking widely, an ice cube in his hand. "Why the hell would you do that to a dead man?" Alec yells. Jace tosses the ice cube into a cup on the nightstand and says "You are not dead, idiot, you are in the hospital, awaking from a lovely demon inflicted coma."

Alec blinks, gaping at Jace. He turns his head to look at Magnus. Magnus nods. Alec blinks again and looks around the room. He quietly hums to himself while trying to make sense of the scenario. He tries to remember the details of why he was on that cliff, of the weeks before it but he can’t reach them. 

He takes a leap of faith, if this is not real he has nothing to lose but time with the people he loves most in the world. “What happened, how long have I been out?” Magnus squeezes his hand and speaks up. “Darling, you have been in a deep coma for weeks, we finally found a spell that we thought might bring you out.” Then Isabelle steps forward, “But the spell, it was dangerous and we were afraid that you...” she looks down tears threatening to fall. She takes a steadying breath and continues, “we were afraid the magic would kill you. But in the end we thought you rather die than live unconscious.” 

Alec nods and smiles softly at his sister. He runs his hand over his heart and realizes, “The spell must have been the pain i felt.” Magnus stands and places his hand over Alec’s, “Most likely, I tried to protect you as much as I could without interfering with the spell.” Leaning closer Magnus whispers, “I felt your pain, your torment, your love. You are amazingly strong my love.”

With a chaste kiss to his lips and a smile, Alec knows he is home. That whatever had occurred the past few weeks, out here or in his head did not matter. He was whole again with Magnus in his heart and his family by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> It didn’t turn out how you thought, I hope. 
> 
> Love to hear your thoughts in the comments or on twitter @lisajean74.


End file.
